2010-2011

I almost didn't write this post, because looking back on 2010 is very hard for me. It was a very difficult year for Killian and for I... but I wanted to document it, so here we go:

Jan. 2010- I had an interim class... Killian was in daycare. Killian 19 months old, starting to talk a little more, and becoming very active.

Feb. 2010- Spring semester. I found out the Killian's dad wanted to be a part of his life now. It was a difficult month.

March 2010-May 2010- Killian's dad started to see him in supervised visitation. Killian didn't really understand the significance of him. I continued to go to school.

June 2010- Killian started spending time alone with his dad. It was rough, as Killian didn't understand why he had to be away from me and who's house he was entering. I had a 4 week summer school, and Killian said goodbye to his daycare of 2 years, and into the new day care at my school. Killian turned 2!! (wow!) and I turned 22.

July 2010- Killian and I took a trip to Alaska with my dad. It was wonderful. Killian started spending nights with his dad. Still rough times, because Killian wanted to be with me.

August 2010- I had off of school, so I spent all my time with Killian, except when he was with his dad. He started spending more than 1 day/night with his dad. Still rough on him... he missed me and wanted to stay home.

September 2010- Started another semester. Killian started soccer for 4 weeks. He LOVED it. He started day care again... and found that he loved his teacher Ms. Jackie. It was a rough month as I had 3 night classes a week, and it was a rough transition for me to be away from Killian that many nights.

October 2010- Killian was a bumble bee for Halloween. He started to be more comfortable with his dad and being away from me. His dad, his step-mom and I all took a trip to the Boo Zoo together as our first "family" outing. Killian was slightly confused, but he enjoyed having all the adults who love him together.

November 2010- Killian enjoyed spending time with his dad. No more tantrums/fits when he had to leave for his dads. He started to be watched by his Grandma Wendy (dad's mom) on Wednesday nights, which he enjoyed. Our first holidays as split household. Killian took a week long vacation with his dad during Thanksgiving, though I had him on Thanksgiving. One of the hardest weeks of my life.

December 2010- I finished up my semester. Killian had an enjoyable Christmas, though it was split again into different households. I didn't have him for Christmas, but we pretended Christmas Eve was Christmas day. Killian started potty training, and is doing very well.

 As of 2011... I really don't know what to expect. In January of 2010 I had our next 5 years planned out as a happy family of 2, and then my entire world was turned upside down. It's been a struggle to find happiness in our new situation, and some days are rougher than others.  I'm constantly worried about the stress it puts on Killian, and I've been taking my life day by day, week by week, never looking ahead.

I'd like to say that in 2011 Killian's dad and I will find some harmony and be able to work together for Killian. Unfortunately, I don't think it'll happen. I have a feeling a very long, hard, expensive court battle will take up most of 2011, and we'll all be left broken and hurt, including Killian. It makes me cry now just to think about it. I think back on last year in January and how utterly and completely content and happy Killian and I were with our life, and then I think about how we are now, and how one person's decisions and actions caused it all. It makes me angry, sad, and frustrated. But we will make it through. We have to.

I do know a few things that will happen for sure in 2011: Killian will turn 3. Wow, I never thought that day would come! I will graduate college in December of 2011! Yay!! (never thought that day would come either some days). Killian will be potty trained. I will lose my baby weight and get back into shape (I've just gotten motivation in the last 3 weeks, and have been working hard). Hopefully we'll find happiness in our day to day lives.

Alot of changes will come in 2011. They might not all be happy ones, but I will make it through. And 2012 will bring so many new decisions and changes. Job searching, house searching, school for killian searching... phew. I think I'm going to just focus on Jan. 2011.